Punch Fear in the Face
I've been living in NYC for almost a week now (another blog post to come about all that I have seen and learned so far)! But something that has been on my heart for a while, is the journey that got me here in the first place. A journey that started over a year ago.
In October of 2012 I visited New York for the very first time. I spent most of my days just wandering around, somewhat aimlessly, and I was content. There was something about the city that refreshed and refueled me. I couldn't figure out why then, but I remember feeling like I was leaving a piece of me behind. I know now that God was already at work.
The truth is, as much as I loved the city that visit, God knew it would be a long process to get me to let go of where I was. I was pretty content there too! God knew I needed the seed to be planted then, because almost exactly one year later my lead pastor announced that we would be launching a campus in NYC and God knew He was going to call me there!! I didn't realize it but that seed planted one year earlier had been growing, and this announcement made my heart jump out of my chest. It brought tears to my eyes, tears that I couldn't stop. I thought there was no way, this was an impossible dream. So, I immediately tried to be realistic...there were people I didn't want to leave, and I have a great job, and I've signed a lease that I can't get out of, and...the list goes on. I had lots of questions and some doubts. Could I really make that big of a move? Despite my best arguments, the pull to NYC kept getting stronger. After almost a week of questions, I finally let it go and said "Ok God, where do I start?" He clearly gave me one task at a time, starting small and moving up to some of the biggest steps of faith I have ever taken. It was hard. I fought some, I cried a lot but I've learned more about God and myself through the process and it was well worth it all.
I realize now that my biggest hurdle all along was fear. Fear that I would fail (in the worlds eyes), fear of letting go of a good thing, then realizing it was a mistake (side note: God doesn't make a mistake when He calls you). I don't think I realized how strong of a grip fear had on me up to that point. I didn't want to admit that I was afraid. I tried to hide behind the idea that I was just being responsible, realistic, I was weighing all my options and being very careful. But I remember the day when I finally said "God, I'm scared." He simply said "don't be." I know that sounds too simple, but when God speaks, the words are so much more than words. He wanted me to be strong, to move toward a calling that seemed unrealistic, maybe even reckless to some. I needed to step out, even when I didn't have the answers and TRUST and that was scary! But all along He was saying..."I got this!" And He did. The next few months were full of huge God moments in my life. I watched him do the impossible! That's probably a whole blog post in itself too :)
God had every detail lined up but I had to step out in faith believing for him to come through. I'm not gonna lie...the first step was hard, so was the second, and the third. You get my point. Each new decision was bigger and harder than the one before, but I had to do it if I was to walk in all that God had planned for me. Please know that these big steps of faith were not decided overnight, (although I do think God can ask us to work that quickly) nor were they done in my own strength. I continued to fight fear each step of the way (I've gotten much better at punching it in the face when it shows up). No, these decisions were made over months of prayer, fasting, and discussions with people I trust. When I look back through my journal from these months, I see so many ups and downs in my emotions but in every entry it was obvious that God had been clear all along. He called me to NYC and He never changed His mind!
My new home...
